Weather Forecast -- Extreme rain and possiblity of falling

A huge storm just came through the city this morning.  Without even looking outside, my hip knew.  What a "spidey-sense" I now have.  And so beneficial to the world (yeah, right).

I was able to get out of my building with the cane in the left hand and my umbrella in the right.  Backpack was strapped tight holding all the essentials.  Luckily, my bust stop was just a block away.

I navigated down the buildings steps, but all my brain power was spent on balance.  Wind pushing my umbrella up, gravity pulling me down, and the slippery sidewalk wanting to slide my feet and cane to the left and right.

Have I mentioned I hate this AVN crap?

Luckily, I saw my new HMO doctor a couple of days ago and am getting a referral to see a bone-Doc that my family knows and can vouch for.  But why is weather so hard for the body?

I live in DC and last winter we got 6 feet of snow in two sister storms.  There is no way I could live through something like that now.

I am going to go forward.  I have to.  This thing crept up on me in such a sly manner.  A year and a half ago, I kept putting off the little stinging in my inside hip and thought it was just a little "thing".  Especially since the feeling came and went.  Then it come back for a longer time and subsequently go away for shorter times.  Then the full blown limping.  All drawn out over a course of a year and a half.  Not knowing my bone was dying.  Not knowing this condition.

"Not knowing" is a huge element of this thing's character.

And even though there is no way of stopping it, I wish I knew sooner.

The Jenga Game

I am walking with my cane.  That is a fact that I HAD to come to deal with about 3-4 months ago.  Why?  Cause when my Physical Therapist told me that he thought it would be a good idea to start (and I respect his opinion VERY much), I crashed.  Maybe someday I will tell you about it.  But needing a cane was a sign that I was going down, not up.  And as much as I had read about this crap, I knew that we only go down.  There is no pill, no new way of life, and no hope.  Everything you do is to "slow it down" and "postpone the inevitable".

My cane too soon.

But last week, I caught a glimpse of myself walking down a DC street in a window of a shop.  I am a vertical slithering mess.  Here is the break down:
   1.  Right hip is sh*t, which causes knee to go in opposite direction of pain, which causes foot to go in opposite direct of knee for balance.  Already, the right leg is a squiggly line.
   2.  Left leg tries to compensate.  That is a sign of a good partner.  You got to love him.  He is always there for his brother leg and walk side by side (literally) to keep the body soldiering on.
   3.  Left arm (above the healthy leg) operates the cane (and yes, you have to use the cane in the opposite arm of your hurting leg.  If I hear ONE MORE PERSON tell me that I am doing it wrong ... I am going to break tone kneecap, give them my cane and follow them to the ER .. with my camera to see how THEY would do it).  But that poor left arm has its own mission.  It knows there is problems on the other body quadrant.  Its got a device and working the heck out of the brain signals to relieve the pressure for its leg cohorts.  Its a soldier ... and well-armed (get it?)
   4.  Right arm is confused.  And this is what I noticed the other day.  Legs are brothers and the hips are their bond.  The left arm has a device and fighting for the body.  The spine is curling and trying to stay straight.  The head is trying to stay high with eyes focused, determined, and full of pride.  But the poor right arm.  So much attention to everyone else, but him.

I realized my right arm was bone straight to my side.  Stiff as a board.  No rhythm of the walk.  No instincts.  It hates to even hold anything now adays, knowing there is a door to open soon and my bottle water will only f*ck that up.  My poor right arm was scared stiff.

My body is forgetting itself.

I feel like that game Jenga.  Crazy stacks of wooden pieces and you got to pull them out on a side, maybe in the middle or near the top or near the botto, but ultimately making sure the stack stands.  It bends to the left then to the right, then to the left and right ... and pretty soon like the weird skin that a snake shed and my father held up to show me when I was a little kid.  It was twisted and coiled, but I knew it came for a creature that can make a straight line if it wanted.  What weird memories are dug up when times are ... different.

I feel like a Jenga game, right before that one guy with fat fingers pulls the wrong piece too fast and the entire (once beautiful and proud) tower comes crashing down.

I hate this sh*t.

First day on the web ... and not sure what to do

So this is my first day blogging.  And I am not even sure what I am suppose to say.  Maybe because I am not even sure how to say it.

I have AVN.

There.  At least that part is out of the way.

When I finally went to the doctor after a few months of limping (and it progressively getting worse) he bluntly told me what I wrote above.  "You have AVN".  In my mind he was cold, but he was just being matter-of-fact.  Still, he could have warmed me up a little.  "You don't look TOO bad in those over sized blue paper shorts we gave you to put on for the examination".  Even that would had been nice.

AVN stands for Avascular necrosis.  And although I am still confused on the reasoning behind it, all I know is my hip is dying.  There is a blood vessel that supplies the red stuff to the top of my leg bone and ultimately to the ball part.  And the vessel is not working.  The bone is dying.

I am a 36 year old male and now walking with a cane.  I try to look professional walking around the streets of this city, but no one else with a cane looks like me.  And no one else like me has a cane.  Unfortunately, that style went out with Huggy Bear in the 70's.  (Yes I do remember the TV show)

So I am limping, trying to be cool while my leg is hurting.  All the while, I have been laid off at work and looking for a job, going to physical therapy once a week (while my previous doctor wanted me to go 2-3 times a week, but I can't afford it), got dropped from COBRA, finally found an insurance with open enrollment (cause Cigna did not tell me I was dropped until day 54 of the 61 lapse time), trying to save money to see my new HMO doctor and get a referral to see a new bone doctor ... to ultimately probably get a full out right hip replacement.

I am 36 and right now I can either hurt or get cut open and have a fake hip put in.

Not sure what is worse.

That is enough for now.  In the amount of time it took to type these paragraphs, I am worked up and ready to through this fake laptop across the room.

Maybe later ...